Spouse calls: Spouse at wits’ end after loss
Stars and Stripes April 12, 2008
Almost every Spouse Calls column ends with a sentence like this: "For more information, see the Spouse Calls blog."
These words are not just an afterthought. Most military family issues require more exploration than this weekly space allows. On the blog, the words aren’t all mine. Readers can also be writers. Sometimes, bloggers want to help or to be heard, or both.
An Army reservist wrote this on the Spouse Calls blog:
I posted this with the idea that maybe this would help one family stay together. Maybe some real-life situations like mine may help someone else’s family stay together by seeing that they are not alone.
I’m a reservist/contractor serving in Germany who recently returned from a deployment. I dated my now wife for five of the six years we have been together. During the dating time, we both did bad things. I admitted to my wrongs, but my now wife always had a reason why what she did was okay.
Well, six months after my return and three months after my son from a previous marriage moved in, my wife dumps me. One week before Christmas. I tried everything to hold on to her and did stupid things also out of anger. No, nothing like domestic violence – just words. She seems to not understand how much I did – and still do – love her.
The military talks about helping troops, and they are well aware the suicide rate is rising, but being a reservist I have no support after my weekend drill is done. Yes, I have tried, and still think about ending all this, but I have my son who I can’t put through this. Thank God he is here.
My only escape from this pain is to try to get on another deployment this year with no intent of returning. My wife and I both work on the same base.
Ladies of deployed troops, please think about it before you just run away, like my wife did. Is the reason really justified? Is it all about you and not about the marriage? Did you really try to work things out, or do you see your friends who are out looking for Mr. Better and feel you’re missing out on life?
While I was away, I missed my wife so bad and had to take meds just to sleep. We fought about stupid stuff on the phone, but after we hung up I was the loneliest man in the world. We men are hard to make out, but so are women.
After she said she did not want to be with me anymore, in one month I went from 252 pounds to 220. I still can’t sleep all night, and when I wake I wonder what she does. The pain is so bad sometimes I just stop moving. I am willing to be the world’s biggest fool and would take my wife back and still try to make it work.
I know what you all would say. Let her go. She hurt you guys both, but my love for my wife is stronger than my pride. I love my wife.
So ladies, if there’s no physical harm or serious verbal abuse, please think about it. Does he really love you, and do you just have a hard time believing it?
I never had a role model and a real family, and I protected my feelings all my life. My wife is the only person who knew my fear, and two weeks after I told her, she did the one thing I feared and protected myself from for so many years.
For more insight from real people, see the Spouse Calls blog.
Terri Barnes is a military wife and mother of three. She lives in Germany and writes Spouse Calls weekly for Stars and Stripes Contact her at email@example.com and see the Spouse Calls blog at http://blogs.stripes.com/blogs/spousecalls