The Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) provides guidance on how Gold Star families can navigate their grief during the holiday season. (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors)
The holidays can amplify the many changes Gold Star families face after losing a loved one in the military. Even something as small as an empty seat or a favorite meal can stir memories, making this time of year difficult.
Lisa Zucker is the director of Strategic Planning and Implementation at the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) — a national nonprofit organization providing compassionate care and comprehensive resources to all those grieving a death in the military or veteran community.
Zucker is married to an Army combat veteran and experienced the sudden deaths of her father in 2019 and her brother in 2021. With more than 20 years of experience in grief, trauma and crisis response, she provides guidance through TAPS on how Gold Star families can navigate their grief during the holiday season.
Recognize the change: Acknowledge that the holidays will feel different and know that it’s normal to experience a range of emotions — from sadness to nostalgia.
“There is no right or wrong way to move through this holiday season,” Zucker said.
Create a plan: Grief around the holidays is often strongest in the anticipation or the aftermath. If you plan to attend an event, set clear boundaries and have an exit strategy in case emotions become overwhelming.
“Meet yourself where you’re at, be gentle, kind and not put too much pressure,” Zucker said.
It’s also important to consider the needs of yourself and your family when planning the holidays.
“I always like to suggest saying ‘not this year’ instead of ‘never,’ ” Zucker said. “If there’s a tradition that needs to change or just not happen, try saying, ‘We’re not going to do that this year. We’ll see what happens next year.’ ”
Practice grief rituals: Try implementing holiday traditions that honor and remember a loved one such as lighting a candle, leaving an empty chair or cooking a favorite meal.
“Those little moments that are very personal to you as an individual or to the family are the best way to be able to bring comfort and connection to your loved one who passed,” Zucker said.
Know your support system: Know which friends or family members are there to distract you and which ones you can go to for care, comfort and support.
“When we see other people who seem like they’ve moved on with their lives where everything is joyful and celebratory, and you don’t feel that way, that’s OK,” Zucker said. “Not only are you not alone, but you’re not alone in feeling that way.”
Reach out to TAPS: Most of the staff at TAPS are survivors themselves. They combine their professional training and knowledge with real lived experience to help others by providing professional-led peer support.
TAPS offers a variety of resources for all ages and stages of grief. Visit their website, or call their 24/7 helpline (800-959-8277) to connect immediately with a trained professional who can provide support, guidance, and information about TAPS programs and services.
“Grief is the price that we pay for loving somebody so deeply,” Zucker said. “No matter what, as you walk through this journey of healing within grief, you are not alone because TAPS is always here for you.”
