(iStock)
I’m far too old to be using terms like “Bestie,” “Ride-or-die,” “Homegirl” or “BFF,” but the fact remains that I’ve been lucky enough in life to have something everyone wants — a best friend. Not just any best friend, but a best friend I’ve had since ninth grade.
Even though we haven’t lived in the same location since we graduated from high school in 1984, we’ve maintained our friendship no matter where life took us. We are still playmates, confidants, partners in crime, loyal guardians and number one fans for each other, 46 years later. With each passing year, I realize just how precious our relationship is and am so grateful for it.
However, I’m also a Navy wife who struggled to create new friendships after each move. For two decades, I felt like the kid who gets picked last for kickball. With important exceptions like my Bunco group in Virginia Beach and a few rare individuals I connected with along the way, I always thought I was precariously hanging onto the last rung of the social ladder, ready to fall off into a lonely abyss with one tiny kick.
In desperation, I made mistakes like agreeing to be the Parliamentarian of the Molesworth Combined Spouses Club where board meetings mimicked MMA fights, and joining the Stuttgart Army Wives Bowling League where I displayed no skill and complete ignorance of the rules. Countless times, I pathetically asked myself, “Does anyone here like me?”
Even after my Navy husband retired, and we settled in Rhode Island, it took me years to find local friends I could be myself around. I joined the local Rotary Club, took exercise classes, signed up for the ladies golf league and became a member of the Ladies Ancient Order of Hibernians just to meet new people. It was awkward shopping myself around town like a door-to-door saleswoman, “Hi! Might you be interested in a new friend? Act now and you’ll receive a free set of Ginsu knives!”
Why was I so desperate to make friends after each move? According to science, friendships don’t just rescue us from feeling like losers. These important relationships actually protect us from social isolation that can significantly impact our health and well-being.
In a meta-analysis of more than 308,000 people, scientists found that people lacking quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely, a risk factor equivalent to smoking 20 cigarettes per day and higher than other risk factors such as obesity. Unfortunately, technology and globalization have not helped us foster social connections. To the contrary, three times more Americans report having no “confidant” today than 30 years ago.
With the rise in screen time over the past two decades, in-person social interactions have decreased, isolating humans from each other. Forty percent of adult Americans report having online-only friendships today. And teenagers, who need peer interactions for healthy development, spend an average of only 40 minutes per day engaging with friends in person, a huge decrease from 140 minutes per day 20 years ago.
The good news is that social isolation is easy to avoid. There’s no need for a whole sorority houseful of besties to hang out on weekends. Even good conversations with strangers have a positive effect on one’s well-being. One study showed that in-person interactions of just once per week protected well-being, more than calls and texts. Even “weak” friendship ties are beneficial. Research shows that people who have more weak-tie interactions are happier than those with less.
It took about seven years for me to make local friends after our last move, but I now have an abundance of folks that protect my health and well-being, like my lifelong best friend Patrice, my husband, the special people I connected with during my husband’s active-duty career, the sweet worker who chats with me at the post office, my sailing buddies, the fun ladies in my Boot Camp classes at the Rec. Center, the strangers I find myself talking to in waiting rooms and restaurants and many, many more.
Read more at themeatandpotatoesoflife.com and in Lisa’s book, “The Meat and Potatoes of Life: My True Lit Com.” Email: meatandpotatoesoflife@gmail.com
