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Not only did I get married so long ago that I can’t even remember the moment I said “I do,” a couple years later, someone mistook our VHS wedding tape for a blank, and recorded a football game over it. If it weren’t for our photo album, there’d be no visual evidence of the event during which Francis and I promised to love each other until death do us part.
Uncle Allen did manage to record a few clips of the event on his gargantuan shoulder-mounted camcorder, but the shots are so shaky, it appears that our nuptials took place during a magnitude 7 earthquake.
Besides, the moment that got the most attention wasn’t our vows, it was the military sword arch at the end. My Navy husband, Navy brother, Navy brother-in-law and several Navy friends wore their dress blues. The attendees were in awe, and snapped dozens of photos.
I was in awe, too. I felt so fortunate to have found my soulmate and was excited to begin our life together. Like many new military spouses, I knew marrying into the Navy would impact my career. I quit my job as a litigation attorney in Pennsylvania to move to Francis’ duty station, but I had no idea that I’d never practice law again.
After our first PCS move, our son was born, and I began my longest-running job, as a stay-at-home mom. I was good at it, but SAHMs don’t earn a living, get promoted or contribute to their 401Ks. Francis was the family breadwinner, and I made the sandwiches.
Even though I was a lawyer, I never took steps to protect myself financially in the event that our marriage failed. Francis knew what I’d given up for him, and showed appreciation. In return, I trusted him to protect my future.
As romantic as that sounds, it’s incredibly risky. Today, more than 40 percent of first marriages end in divorce. Even though 4 in 10 divorces happen before year 10, rates of “gray” divorces after 20+ years of marriage are rapidly increasing. Add military life stressors to a relationship, and marriage becomes very risky business, indeed.
Active-duty military couples have higher annual rates (3.4 to 3.7) of divorce than civilians (2.4 to 2.9). Rates are even higher for female service members (4.8), enlisted servicemembers (3.1 to 4.1) and Marines (3.8). Rates increase with fewer years of marriage, less income, more deployments, and the more control the service member has over the couple’s finances.
Furthermore, many military spouses face a greater likelihood of post-divorce poverty due to loss of earning power, less social security and resume gaps. Recognizing this, Congress passed the Uniformed Services Former Spouses’ Protection Act (USFSPA) in 1982 to allow state divorce courts to divide military retirement pay between service members and spouses.
The USFSPA also allows state courts to grant spouses certain lifetime military benefits such as base privileges and government health care under the “20/20/20” rule (20 years of marriage overlapping 20 years of eligible service and 20 years of retirement-creditable service). If there are only 15 years of overlapping marriage to a 20-year service person, then USFSPA allows state courts to grant only one year of Tricare coverage but no other privileges.
While courts will take into account military spouses’ career sacrifices under general fairness principles, divorce decrees can vary widely depending on jurisdiction and judge. Military spouses must prove evidence of lost earning capacity, inability to work, military-related career interruptions and justified resume gaps, and cannot rely on general statistics about the impact of military life on spouses.
I feel secure in my marriage, but I realize how foolish I was in my youth to trust love alone to protect me. There’s nothing more romantic than safeguarding a military spouse’s financial future. This can include pre- and post-nuptial agreements guaranteeing fair alimony, military pension division and support for a spouse re-entering the workforce. Military spouses can also be equally involved in marital financial decisions. Military couples can treat these preventative measures not as a precursor to divorce, but as loving gestures to protect one’s soulmate.
Another thing I really wish I’d been smart enough to safeguard 33 years ago — that VHS wedding videotape.
Read more at themeatandpotatoesoflife.com and in Lisa’s book, “The Meat and Potatoes of Life: My True Lit Com.” Email: meatandpotatoesoflife@gmail.com
