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Post traumatic stress syndrome is part of the fallout of war. Toxic and sometimes deadly, it forever changes the lives of its sufferers and their loved ones. Some military families survive these injuries of heart and mind. These families possess an extraordinary measure of devotion, which they express through love and acceptance.

An Army wife named Ann posted this comment on the Spouse Calls blog:

I was reading the blog about the woman who, after 12 years of marriage, divorced her husband because he came back from Iraq angry and mean. I know how she felt. Mine came back the same way, nothing I did or said was good enough for him.

One day he crossed the line. He put his hands on me. Two days in jail, $3,500, and two months later he is attending anger management classes, seeing a personal counselor.

We are in marriage counseling, and he still apologizes. Everyone tells me to run, get out while I can — no forgiveness. But for most, they do not understand why he is so angry and mean.

He does not understand why he is so angry, either. His counselor diagnosed him with PTSD and depression. He stopped drinking. That was only adding to the problems.

Even more important to it all, he started talking to God again — one thing that he stopped doing after his first tour to Iraq. He believed he was no longer worthy of forgiveness, and his actions would never be forgiven.

We forget that the Army takes our loved ones and turns them into mass murderers, with no conscience or hope. We forget that they either find God or turn their backs on Him. They become a large ball of anger and hate that only sleeps, eats, and does what it is told. They have no other way of living and forget that there is something other than war.

I understand her pain and sorrow. If being with him is where she really wants to be, it is a long hard daily struggle. The understanding that you are not living with a normal person must always be up front. Change is hard for all of us, yet it must be all of us who change.

Every day I walk in the door, and the first thing that I do is hug him, kiss him and tell him how much I love him. If I see him getting frustrated or angry, I immediately hug him. The power of a loved one’s touch can change the world.

He attends group every week and actively listens and talks. He shares a lot with me, but I know and now realize that he will never share Iraq with me. I do not ask either. I give him time often, just so he can have those moments of peace that he has only come to appreciate. Most importantly I forgive him of his past mistakes.

I am a strong woman. As an Army wife, I have learned that sometimes I need to only be strong when he cannot be, to admit fault when it’s mine, not to boast in his faults, to let the small things go, and above all forgive.

I know this sounds strange to some people, but the life of an Army wife is different than that of a civilian wife. Then when you add war into the mixture, it changes the rules even more.

He will be leaving soon for Iraq again. This will be his third tour and my second, but I have learned a lot from the first one that I will bring with me to this one.

Terri Barnes is a military wife and mother of three. She lives and writes in Germany. Contact her at spousecalls@stripes.com and see the Spouse Calls blog at http:/blogs.stripes.com/blogs/spousecalls.

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