Korean-American couples face language barriers, stereotypes, culture shock
By Christina Ko, Stars and
Stripes
Andy Dunaway / Stars and Stripes
Chaplain Family Life Center director Haing J. Choi, center, talks about cross-cultural
dating to a couple who wished to not be identified. |
Son Aejin locked eyes with Sgt. 1st Class Brian D. Williams in the
crowded Seoul subway.
Seeing the foreign soldier struggle with a Korean book, Son saw an
opportunity to use her English to help someone, and approached Williams.
The kind act changed both their lives — Williams and Son later
married.
“When you first get married, you’re blinded by love,”
said Son, 25. “But you start to face reality, and sometimes it’s not easy.”
As Korean military wives face unique challenges from a different kind
of marriage, they frequently encounter all sides of the emotional spectrum: elation,
excitement, passion and frustration, fear and stress.
“Of course I’m very happy, but I’ve realized how
difficult cross-cultural marriages can be,” said Park Eun-Young, 32, who married Paul
Summe about a year ago. “I wouldn’t be able to easily recommend cross-cultural
marriages to my friends because I know it’s incredibly tough.”
Koreans have been marrying U.S. soldiers stationed here since the
1950s. The peak years were during the 1970s, when more than 4,000 Koreans married U.S.
soldiers each year.
Now, about 1,000 cross-cultural marriages — including both
soldiers and civilians — occur yearly, according to Haing J. Choi, director of the
Chaplain Family Life Center. The great majority of the marriages involve Korean women and
American men.
The USO Cross-Cultural School, which teaches future wives about the
U.S. military, medical and banking systems, immigration processes and American cooking,
saw a wane of students with only four women during their fall 2000 session, and six during
this year’s spring session.
Stereotypes remain
The decline in cross-cultural marriages seems to be highly related to
the transformed economy of Korea, said USO Cross-Cultural School coordinator Lee Heeyun.
“When Korea was an extremely poor country, many people believed
that America held more opportunities for comfortable lives,” Lee explained.
“Many poor women saw these marriages as an escape from destitution. But now,
I’ve noticed that most of these marriages occur because of true love.”
Numerous Koreans, especially of the older generation, assume military
brides once were camp town prostitutes or women hunting for a way out of poverty.
The stereotype also holds military wives as lost souls who ultimately
turned against their own culture and people in favor of Americans and American lives.
Although Park feels at ease when she and her husband stroll the busy
streets with a mostly younger crowd, she notices the military bride stereotype at more
isolated locations with older Koreans.
“My parents warned me about people who may view me as one of
those women seeking money and a better life,” recalled Park. “It’s
distressing when I see people — mostly of the older generation — looking at me
strangely. Taxi drivers are sometimes especially rude.”
Although the stereotype has subsided, the invisible forces still
hover over the Korean and Korean-American community.
“It still goes on,” Son said. “Wherever I go, I get
dirty looks from some people. I can’t say that strangers look at me in a positive
light.”
Some Americans and soldiers also look down on Korean military wives,
Park said.
“This is why I tell my husband to inform people of my
background,” Park said. “I’m from a very normal middle-class family. I have
a respectable job, my parents have respectable jobs. I have nothing to be ashamed
about.”
Miweon Nelson, 41, believes self-assurance can help alleviate the
stress that comes with cross-cultural marriages.
“If you do everything with dignity and complete confidence, then
no one can say anything about you,” Nelson said. “People will respect you.”
Strength in numbers
With intense ostracism in the past, military wives have started
organizations specific to their needs.
Formal groups include Korean International Daughters Society (KIDS),
which focuses on helping Amerasian children, and Rainbow Center in Flushing, N.Y., which
concentrates on assisting military wives with both physical and emotional abuse. Rainbow
Center also provides support for women who face continuous exclusion from both
communities.
Many women also form social clubs, meet to exchange job information,
baby-sit each other’s children and assist new military brides with their problems.
“With military wives, we meet and discuss what life is like in
the States and share experiences,” said Nelson, who participates in outreach work for
both American soldiers and military wives at Yongsan.
The Family Life Center, in Hannam Village, provides consulting
services for cross-cultural couples. With 20 years of cross-cultural marriage consulting
at the center, Choi said the roots of most conflicts lie in communication issues.
“It’s essential to be able to express your feelings and
thoughts, but not being able to do that 100 percent in English can be very
irritating,” Nelson said.
Williams and Son have devised a valuable method of diminishing the
language problem.
“We go to the dictionary,” Williams said.
“When you pull out a dictionary while you’re arguing, it
works in two positive ways,” Son added. “You understand what the other person is
saying, and your anger dwindles as you look up the word.”
Teaching the Korean language and culture to their husbands can be a
daunting task for the wives.
Park recalled an incident where her husband could not grasp the
Korean concept of side dishes. She would make many dishes, which would be stored and eaten
over a long period of time, but her husband would complain about wasting food.
“In the beginning we had a hard time trying to understand these
small cultural things,” Park said. “In these cases I would ask my husband to
… read books on Korean culture.”
The USO Cross-Cultural School holds weekly evening sessions for
husbands and wives.
“We understand that it is essential for both sides to learn and
understand both cultures,” Lee said. “It isn’t really fair for only one
person to officially learn about the other’s culture. In the future we plan to
request more participation of the husbands.”
‘The big move’
Another major issue constantly lingers in the minds of military
wives: moving to America.
“My wife is insecure about going to the U.S.,” Williams
said. “It’s something we’ve been dealing with.”
Son and Williams plan to move to America this October, and Son
worries that her husband’s attitude may change.
“From what I’ve heard from other wives, husbands can become
rough and indifferent toward you after going back to the U.S.,” Son said. “In
this country, they depend on their wives a lot, but it’s different when you go to
America. I’m hoping it won’t happen.”
Speaking English is a key concern for these women. Park regrets that
she did not start working on her English sooner.
“People (other military wives) told me that others will look
down on you even more if you can’t speak fluent English,” Park said. “They
say it’s really hard to live in America without knowing English.”
Overcoming differences
The difficulties of cross-cultural marriages may appear immense, but
they are not unfeasible. Perhaps because most of today’s marriages occur because of
“true love,” these couples work hard to overcome their differences.
To Son, the arguments about little things and other obstacles she and
her husband face are forgettable when she thinks back to when she first met her husband.
“Remembering makes you fight less,” Son said.
Nelson, married to her husband for nearly 12 years, knows the meaning
of happiness.
“God gave me the best husband ever,” Nelson said. “I
am incredibly blessed to have met him.”
For more information on the Rainbow Center, go to the center’s
Web site at: www.rainbowsisters.org
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